Austin Marriage

austinmarriage — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 02:20:24 +0000

OK, this has to tell us something, doesn’t it? The Health Minister of India has an idea for controlling population growth in the fast-growing nation: give televisions to poor families. As he sees it, “amorous couples would watch late-night shows instead of making babies.” What’s more, his idea is likely to work. How many times have you gotten involved in a movie or television show and watched it right up to (or past) bedtime? How often do you and your sweetie go to bed and watch Leno or Letterman until you fall asleep? And tell the truth: sometimes you just zone out in front of the television and hope that your partner doesn’t want to get, as Mr. Azad puts it, “amorous.” Right? Right. So maybe he’s onto something: late night television is good birth-control because it’s good romance-control. Put it to the test and turn off the television and turn on the charm–right after the monologue . . .

austinmarriage — Wed, 06 May 2009 21:44:14 +0000

There is usually one person in every couple who really wants to hash everything out and s/he usually wants to do it RIGHT NOW. These people are usually highly verbal and are even more so when they are upset. (In the interest of full disclosure, I’m that person in my marriage.)

As you can imagine, the other partner is usually wired very differently. S/he would rather withdraw, either to hide from the emotional intensity coming from the other direction or to have a chance to think things over before talking about them. Of course, this creates deep frustration and even abandonment issues in the spouse, who often ends up demanding that “you just TALK to me . . . why won’t you just TALK to me???”

So what did the apostle Paul mean when he said that we should not allow the sun to go down while we are still angry? Does that mean that God always sides with the verbal spouse? Isn’t there value in getting some space and letting things calm down for awhile? What if it’s really late? Do we really HAVE to stay up all night or just sweep things under the rug just to get some sleep?

Maybe Paul wasn’t really speaking literally. Maybe he actually meant to say something like this: No pouting. No holding grudges. No harboring bitterness. No plotting revenge. Maybe this: Be kind. Let go. Forgive.

Well, actually, that’s exactly what he said just a bit later in Ephesians 4:32: “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another just as God in Christ forgave you.”

What’s yours is yours and what’s mine is mine

austinmarriage — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 15:00:19 +0000

The purpose of a boundary is to tell us what belongs to who. A fence shows us a property line. The brick wall of a home denotes a family’s private space. The yellow line in the middle of the road tells me what lane is mine to drive in.

Healthy boundaries in marriage serve the same purpose–they let each of us know what belongs to us and what doesn’t. Problems in marriage often develop around our failure to understand what is mine and what is yours.

My feelings are mine. Your feelings are yours. My opinions are mine. Your opinions are yours. How I feel about your opinions? That’s mine. How I react to your opinions? Well, that belongs to me, too. How you react to my reaction? That belongs to you.

Can you see how we get in trouble when we get confused about who owns what? When a husband not only expresses his own opinions but wants to tell his wife what she should think, that’s not just rude–it’s a boundary problem. When a wife doesn’t talk about her own preferences but instead overfocuses on the choices her husband is making, that’s not just annoying–it’s a boundary problem. When I say, “I know I shouldn’t have yelled but I only yelled because HE wasn’t listening,” that’s not only irresponsible, it’s a boundary proublem.

Healthy boundaries in marriage mean that each of us spends the bulk of our energy and focus on what actually belongs to us–our own feelings, choices, and behaviors. It also means that we give up trying to manipulate and change the feelings, choices and behaviors of our partners. We take responsibility for ourselves and in so doing, require that they take responsibility for themselves. It’s a boundary thing.

austinmarriage — Sat, 18 Apr 2009 14:32:57 +0000

Here’s a quick one from Jay Trachman:

The formula for a happy marriage? It’s the same as the one for living in California: When you find a fault, don’t dwell on it.

That’s fun . . . and so true!

Too much of a good thing

austinmarriage — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 01:44:25 +0000

I’m still playing with my new Blackberry, trying to figure out everything it will do. When we got new phones, we also expanded our texting plan to accomodate our teenage daughter and her text-happy friends.

That reminds me of something I’ve been noticing more and more. I am amazed at how much delicate relational work couples are doing through texting. I actually watched one couple negotiate the terms of their divorce via text messaging, back in the days before qwerty phones, using their phone key pads and their thumbs.

Another thing I’m noticing lately is how many couples have the expectation that their spouse should be immediately available by phone 24 hours a day. This is a common scenario: the wife will text her husband something innocuous like “how r u?” but doesn’t hear back immediately. This makes her anxious so she starts sending messages questioning his love for her, expressing her insecurity and eventually her fury. By the time he gets back to her to tell her that he was in a meeting or driving in a rainstorm or, in one case, laying tile, she is feeling so abandoned and angry that repairing the damage seems impossible. Although it’s often the husband and not the wife, I am seeing this pattern more and more often.

I also see couples who bicker by email (or IM chat or texting) all day long, leaving them emotionally exhausted and irritable at the end of the day when they reconnect in person. Understandably, they’re so tired of all the negativity that they question their relationship without even noticing the toll technology is taking on them.

More and more often, I am prescribing no texting, no emailing and no cell phone calls during the work day, making them earn back the privilege with “good behavior.” What do you think–does your relationship need a moratorium on the constant contact that technology makes possible?

Marriage Mentoring Workshop

austinmarriage — Wed, 18 Mar 2009 02:21:41 +0000

Marriage Mentoring Workshop

March 28, 2009

9 a.m.-noon

Austin Baptist Association building

1016 E. 38 1/2 St.

Austin, TX

This workshop is for anyone interested in marriage mentoring as a low-cost and highly effective way to transform marriages and families.

Brett and Kellie Hurst are creative and effective marriage educators from Houston, TX. They will be our trainers for the morning, helping us imagine how marriage mentoring can change how we do family ministry. Check out their blog at www.homeencouragement.blogspot.com.

austinmarriage — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 00:29:42 +0000

Lanie and Peter, a married couple, are discussing Lanie’s attractive, sexy friend and her cheating husband. Here’s the excerpt:

I changed the subject back to Amanda. “What do you think about the affair?” I asked, eager for the guy perspective. “Do you think he’s cheating?”

“We’re talking about two people I’ve never met.”

“But what do you think?”

“I don’t know,” he said.

“Would you cheat on a wife who was beautiful and used kitchen appliances as sex toys?”

“No.”

“Because of the ‘beautiful’ part or because of the ‘kitchen appliances’ part?”

He caught my eyes. He thought I should already know this answer. Then he said, “Because of the ‘wife’ part.”

–from Everyone Is Beautiful by Katherine Center

Dynamic Marriage coming soon

austinmarriage — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 21:11:10 +0000

If you’ve been looking for a marriage enrichment program to help you and your spouse and if you’re in the Austin area, you’re in luck! This one will be terrific and is ready to launch here in central Texas. Here’s the scoop:

DYNAMIC MARRIAGE COMING TO SOUTH AUSTIN!!

Would you like to have your marriage go from good to great?
Have you given up on your relationship?
Is your marriage failing but no one knows about it yet?
Are you open to God working a miracle in your marriage?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, then you are invited to attend our upcoming Dynamic Marriage class. This powerful 8-week workshop helps committed couples sustain happy, fulfilling relationships that grow stronger each year while bringing hope and healing to troubled marriages. Bring the intimacy back into your relationship!

Give us 8 weeks and we will give you a new marriage! Guaranteed!

Date: Saturdays, April 25 – June 27, 2009
Time: 1:00 – 3:30 pm
Location: Bannockburn Baptist Church, Education Center, 7100 Brodie Lane, Austin, TX
Registration required – contact Ron/Renee’ Chadwick – Email: hope@austinmarriages.org or call 928-0434
Fee charged for materials only.

TESTIMONIES

“I can truly say that Ron and Renee’ helped save our marriage. We had already filed for divorce when we signed up for the Dynamic Marriage class and thankfully, we did not proceed with the divorce! Under their direction, we were able to grow emotionally and spiritually as a couple and are now more happy than ever! ” Brian & Angela, Austin, TX

“The marriage course that we attended has had a long term positive effect on our marriage. The teaching we received from Ron and Renee has been life changing. My wife and I have learned to communicate and relate to each other in a healthy manner that we believe will help our marriage for the rest of our lives. Thank you Ron and Renee. God Bless you.” George & Michelle, Austin, TX

What did you expect?

austinmarriage — Sun, 22 Feb 2009 22:41:36 +0000

I ran across an unattributed quote this week:

An expectation is a premeditated resentment.

Got that?

Think about it. What we expect sets the stage for what we resent. Is there anywhere that is more true than in marriage? Most of us know what to reasonably expect from our spouses. And yet, we persist in unrealistic expectations–maybe because the ensuing resentment makes us feel so gloriously self-righteous.

Most of us sabotaged our marriages early on with our unstated expectations. We just expected that he would take out the garbage, that she would stay home with the kids, that he would want sex twice a week, that she would count to ten before she got angry. We didn’t talk about any of this, of course, because it was just so obvious: that’s how things should be. It’s what we expected but it wasn’t what we got.

So where does that leave us? With only cynical resignation about our partner’s flaws? With expectations so low that a monkey could meet them? That definitely doesn’t seem like the married life we dream of.

Well, what about this: what about we focus on our expectations of ourselves more strigently than we focus on our expectations of others? What about we let go of our unrealistic expectations of others and modify the rest? What about–and this seems key–exchanging expectation (which has a frowning face and a pointed finger) for hope? Seems like it’s worth a try. The resentment is killing us.

Hope your Valentine’s Day was happy

austinmarriage — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 21:49:02 +0000

Our first Valentine’s Day, about 7 months after our wedding, was a makeshift affair. We had no extra money, both of us being in graduate school and working minimum-wage, part-time jobs. I hadn’t really even given much thought to the upcoming holiday since Valentine’s Day wasn’t a big deal in my home growing up.

My sweet husband had been working on it, though. I came home from work that evening to flowers and a romantic dinner. Not roses, no–who could afford roses? Yellow potted mums sat in the middle of the kitchen table with a sweet handwritten card. Dinner wasn’t at a fancy restaurant or even homemade (Craig had just gotten home from work, too). But he had brought home two NightHawk frozen steak dinners and he was reading the instructions for putting them in the oven himself–I didn’t have to worry about dinner at all!

About five years later, I cancelled all future Valentine’s Days, letting Craig off the hook for mandatory romance “for as long as we both shall live.” The bad news is that he just never could get it right. (The year I wanted a teddy bear he brought home a stuffed Tasmanian Devil “because it was way funnier than a teddy bear”–’nuff said.) The good news is that he really did try–and even better, he tried most of the time, not just on holidays.

So I cut him some slack (my gift to him) and he remembers to try just a little harder from time to time to let me know I’m special to him. Just not on February 14th.